It’s ok to be gay… and jealous

I’m going to be really frank — as a lesbian couple, sometimes we get jealous of straight people. I’m not ashamed of these feelings, because I think they are completely natural, and any feeling – good or bad – is still your own and should never be stifled.

One major event where our jealousy really comes up is at weddings. I love attending weddings and nothing makes me happier than to see see two people so in love that they want to commit to a lifetime together. But, I can’t help but also feel a slight resentment. First of all, for Rose and I to make the same commitment to each other, we had to go out of state to the courthouse. And now, our own hometown doesn’t even recognize our marriage legally. Also, I know some people viewed it as a “union” or a “party” instead of a wedding. Most people are incredibly accepting, but there are always those few people that still see us as different, no matter how tolerant they seem. Straight couples never experience this. Most of them probably never even think about how easy it is. I guess it really comes down to a sense of equality and respect that, on some levels, we just don’t get.

Also, my parents didn’t participate in any way at either of our weddings. They have found a religion that causes them to feel very opposed to me being a lesbian. I didn’t have my dad to walk me down the aisle or dance with me. My mother wasn’t around to beam with pride and stress. My only sister declined, which hurt the most because I had decided to be in her wedding the year prior (more on this later). Of course, they did not contribute financially, either. I know sometimes family can be so overbearing when it comes to weddings, but in all honesty – I’d give anything to have had that.

Another big time for jealousy is babies. Please know that I am incredibly over the moon when a friend or family member finds out they are expecting. New life is a beautiful thing – and even better when it comes in a soft little drooling package that smells so good. But when I find out about a new baby, there is also just this tiny part inside of me that feels sad, and maybe even a little angry. None of these feelings are directed at the new parents in any way. It’s just a feeling of longing – of being so very happy for those that I love but wishing that someday, I could share that exact same joy.

Rose and I definitely want to have little humans of our own one day, and we will absolutely make it happen… but there is no denying that it just will never be exactly like heterosexual couples. We can’t just hop into bed and make a family. We have to find a donor or adopt – which gets much more complicated and expensive. There is no way to truly have a child that is both mine and hers biologically. It’s hard to know that there are people in this world that never wanted to be parents and yet, one simple act gave them exactly what we want so badly. On top of that, some of our relatives, coworkers and acquantainces might be uncomfortable with how we decide to create and raise children. We experience much more open discrimination. My own parents disagree with my “lifestyle,” so who knows if they would be involved at all. Basically, even though I am thrilled to find about about pregnancies, I also have accepted that it brings up my own issues of things I cannot have that are out of my control.

I do want to express that I am very content with my personal journey. I realize that if I were to have what other people have when it comes to babies or weddings, that I would also have a different life – and I would NEVER trade what I have now for anything. Our wedding was everything I dreamed of and more – and I know when we have kids, they will be ours – and we will have the perfect family for us. What more could you ask for? But I’m sure I’m not alone in having that little tiny jealousy bug every once in a while.

I don’t want any of my dear straight friends to ever feel like they should be careful around me with what they share. This is not about being mad that someone is luckier than me and rubbing it in my face. It’s my own issue. Sometimes I’ll have to check myself with a little reminder that there is no reason to be resentful – that everything is simply about love – and althought it’s ok that I’m jealous, it’s also great to be happy.

I guess what I can say to straight couples is this: don’t ever take what you have for granted! There is probably a lesbian somewhere out there that would gladly give you a slap in the face to remind you of just how great those little things in life can be… 😉

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